When I went off to college, I missed Morgan Hill. Morgan Hill had always been my home, and I loved it, cows and mushrooms and everything closed at 7pm and all. It was my town, I had never moved. Born and raised in the same house, on the same farm.

But after everything that has happened in the past years, and all the happiness I have found in Davis, I have come to realize that I despise Morgan Hill. I hate it. It contains a horrible, haunted past that I want NOTHING to do with. Ever. I come here to see my family, and a couple of friends, like Mimi and Christine and Suzie...and that is IT. I hate bumping in to everyone I know every time I go out. I hate these streets, these buildings, and these memories. I wish I didn't have to be so hateful about it but I can't help it. I have found happiness. Why do I have to leave it just because it's the holidays???

Hmph.

You guys remember that one disney movie? I think it was Cinderella. She is remembering some ballroom dance, and she sings to the tune. "So this is love, la dah dah dahhhh...." (Can you tell I'm singing off key? I can.)

 Cade is spending christmas with his mom and some family in Mexico. I cannot explain how suddenly weird it is to be alone in the apartment, or in a bed by myself. (Ok, with Rae, but she smells funny.) We pretty much live together. Spend all day together, sleep in the same bed every night. I'd been taking it for granted, I think. Don't get me wrong - I loved it, it's been wonderful. But I didn't realize the magic, I think. How special, how important, how wonderful. What it means. To love someone, who loves you back. Really, really loves you back. 

The first night he left, I bawled my eyes out. The apartment was empty (Pammie was gone), and I didn't have anyone to play Diablo with, to cook dinner with, to make hot chocolate for. No one to insist I put down my work to cuddle for a bit. I missed him so bad it hurt, and I even sat down in the closet and smelled the shirt he left. Rae and Shmow couldn't figure out why I was upset, but I could tell they missed him, too. They kept running to the door when they heard a car.

Anyway, I tried to cheer myself up. He had texted me to ask how I was and say he missed me, so that made me feel better. I sat down with High Fidelity (he really likes that movie, and I hadn't seen it in ages) and tried to enjoy my evening.

Around midnight, Shmow jumped out of my lap and went over to the door. She puffed herself up and stared at it. I looked over, and it was opening...slowly. Somebody was breaking in! I was simultaneously scared shitless and super excited. I'd finally get to punch someone, without holding back! Woo!! Besides, I had Rae to back me up. She's not nearly as much of a wuss as she looks, I swear.

So I inched towards the door, heart in my throat...and jerked it open.

Don't worry. I didn't punch him. It was Cade. =)

I love that boy. I have never held on to someone so tightly before. I have never been in love like this before. In a way that is pure, and good, and doesn't hurt. I was so happy I almost cried. He had driven all the way back to Davis just so we could sleep in the same bed together. Where we belong, really. I have a home now. A family, even, with the animals, and Pammie, and Cade, and yes, even Ian (Pammie's boyfriend, who happens to be Cade's roommate...hahaha).

My life has been difficult. Everyone's is, for different reasons, but in my case I think I should be the first to admit, it's largely my fault. I have put myself in impossible situations and tried to make them work for me. I have struggled against my fate, and the truth, to a point that makes me look like a small, stubborn child. But I have overcome others, and overcome myself, and my own immaturity, and I feel like this is my reward. This is what you find when you fix your life and grow up and open up and become who you should be. You find happiness.

I don't know what the future holds for Cade and I. I love him, in every single way, and I know he will be a huge part of my life, no matter what happens, because he has changed it and me so much for the better. We have plans for the future, and we hope they work out (anyone know a college with a good law school and a good genetics PhD program?), but we know that life is unpredictable. But what really matters is that for now, we are happy, and our lives are full of promise. There are movies to see, music to share, games to play, sex to have, food to eat, and things to learn. What more could we possibly ask for? (Okay, we need more grocery money, bookshelves, and another XBOX 360 controller.)

I get scared sometimes. I worry he will wake up and forget why he loves me. I worry that I will do something to make him think less of me. And yes, as always, I dread and fear the unseen changes the future undoubtedly brings. But in the end, I sleep peacefully, laugh openly, and smile easily - all because he is mine, and I am his, and things are as they should be. In life, they so rarely are. But this time...this time, everything is as it should be.

Typee is actually the name of a novel. It was written by the same dude who wrote Moby Dick, I think. I never read it.

I recently watched the most amazing film, it was called Vier Minuten (Four Minutes, in German) and it had some of the most amazing and original piano pieces I've ever heard in it. I was ridiculously impressed. It wasn't just the music, of course. The story was powerful in and of itself. But the music was what made it magical. I am currently downloading the soundtrack. I am obsessed.

Family is good, Cade is good, animals are good. School is okay, I have some concerns. But I am doing my best. My main project for the moment is actually some random self improvement stuff...I want to start cooking more, I want to get back to excercising, and I want to get back to playing piano (I stopped almost entirely when I started dating Cade). I also want to get back to reading, because I feel like I never do that anymore. So, there are a lot of things I want to do, but not because life is bad. Just because I feel like they would make life better. I'd be more happy with myself. And I have not been very proud of myself lately. Sad. But I can fix it.

More importantly, everyone should see this movie. It. is. AMAZING.

...in so much as I feel greasy.

Yupp.

Life is good, really. My only complaint is a severely chapped lip and a randomly racing pulse. I am happy. I can't quite remember where I was a year ago, or two, but that is a good thing. I want only now. Like Chani said in the Children of Dune movie, I have only now.

Rae and I are graduating soon. Have I mentioned that? It is wonderful. I see my mom and dad tomorrow, they are coming all the way up to take me to lunch. Today will be super low key, but I will be with Pam and Cade, two of my most favoritest people. Also, Borders sent me a 25 percent off coupon for my birthday. I am excited.

=)

Not gonna lie. I'm more than a little excited about the halloween themed live journal header. Undead hehehehe. The dripping blood is a wonderful touch.

Life is good! (Life is busy.) I've got tons of exciting things going on, although I feel like I have no time to stop and relax. But Mondays are my no class days so I am taking this morning off to just kind of chill. Although at 11 I need to get back to studying biochem for my midterm. Anyway, PAD stuff is great, I'm really enjoying everything. Turns out pre-law kids are super friendly and tons of fun. I'm very bummed I missed the pumpkin carving with them this weekend but I had studying to do. Even though it's a greek organization, I really don't think we act greek at all. The professional frats are so diffferent from the "real" ones, and we're different even from a lot of the professional ones. We're much more tight knit. There's only a few things I don't like, and oddly enough all of those things are in my pledge class, not the actual frat. And by things I mean people. And by people I mean hypochondriac bitches who never do anything but complain and bitch. You selfish cunt. Ahem.

Oh, and on an interesting side note, I'm thinking about getting my ears re-pierced. After all these years. Weird? Yes. I don't like piercings, personally. But I recently have been given several pairs of earrings that I would love to wear. So...who knows.

And lastly, today I pick classes for next quarter! in addition to all my science bullshit, I'll be taking an upper division writing class called Writing for the Legal Professions! Woo! I'm excited. =) Gotta polish my skillz.

My dad is all recovered from his emergency angioplasty. Unfortunately, they have also diagnosed him with emphysema. My dad doesn't smoke, just for the record. But apparently working his whole life around construction dust ended up having a similar effect. I am sad and worried, but my dad seems to be in good spirits. So I am thankful for that.

I happen to be feeling a lot better. My blood sugars are all stabilized and now I just get to hang out and wait for the ambulance bill. Cringe. I'm pledging Phi Alpha Delta this quarter, which means I'm really getting the ball rolling on this law school stuff. In fact, last night I wrote a first draft of a personal statement. (Personal statement is a huge part of your law school application.) I bought some nice non-flip-flop shoes today so that I look professional for the fancy events, and I also grabbed some sexy underwear that was on sale. Because we all know how I feel about underwear. And sales.

House is on tomorrow night, and I am super excited about that. The P.I. guy is ridiculously hot. Mmm. Very excited. So yes, stuff is good, crazy health crisis aside. My entire family appears to be subconsciously suicidal or something, good god. Bad sign. But whatever. We're tough cookies.

My energy is so sapped right now. Life is good, and busy, and great, but I am just running out of energy. Craps. Baby craps.

Tonight I'm going to check out Phi Alpha Delta, see what it's all about and if the people are nice. I have a ton of work to get done afterwards since nothing got done this weekend. But I got to see my daddy and that was wonderful. I miss him and worry about him so much. My daddy is the best.

Also, no House tomorrow night. Postponed over the debate. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Debate is important but not THAT important. Phooey. I vote House! HOUSE MD FOR PRESIDENT!

I just spent the last 5 minutes staring into a cup of black coffee. I'm debating what to do with myself, I think.

I am not working this quarter. No job. This is very new for me. I have worked every quarter here at UCD since I got here. Not a whole lot, mind you, it was definately part time. But still. I have time, now. And as much as I love spending time with Cade and friends and my sister, I definately need to be productive. So I was on the UCD pre-law advising website looking for things I could do to prepare for law school, and came across the local chapter of a co-ed pre-law frat. It's not a social frat - there's no house, no big parties, no shit like that.  They do tons of admissions workshops, networking with alumni law students, stuff like that. Also community service and activities related to law. (Also, sponsering/running on campus debates...really? Cool.)

So now here comes the weird part. I kind of like the idea. A lot. I could make friends who are pre-law. (NO ONE IS PRE LAW IN BIOSCI AND IT'S AWFUL I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO IS APPLYING OR ANYTHING POO)
I could also build a resume that would mean something to a law school admissions panel, as opposed to the one I have now which means jack shit. It doesn't cost much (dues are like 30 a quarter, which is nothing). It seems like a really dedicated group of people. I'm intrigued, I guess, but it's a greek organization and I normally hate that stuff. Although, to be fair, professional frats are way different than all the other ones that are floating around. Sarah's in some ag type frat, I think. Maybe it's different enough that I could handle it.

Anyway, Info nights and Rush start next week. I am going to check it out and see how I feel. It would fill up some of this free time, make me feel productive, and help me towards my goal of going to law school. I think it is worth researching, right? It's not like I'm selling my soul. I think. I'm not sure. I'm nervous about it, since I normally hate greek shit SO MUCH. But this isn't very greek. They didn't even have the symbols on their website. They type it out, Phi Alpha Delta. Which is hilarious. And makes me feel better. Either way. We'll see. I just feel like a sell out a little and that makes me sad. I feel like I may not be cool anymore. Ha, ha.

I managed to get sick. I haven't even nad a full week of school yet. WTF! I fail. Anyway, it's not too bad, just throat and headache bullshit, but still. Epic failage on my part.

So I've been chugging tea and I made Pammie pick up groceries. Everyone has been nice. It's hard to get work done, though, because of my head hurting. I really don't want to fall behind on the first weekend. Le poo.

Oh well. I guess it's to be expected, I have the shittiest immune system shy of HIV/AIDS sufferers.

The new apartment has officially grown on me. It really feels like home now and I like it. I prefer it to my old place, actually. It has more light, and it stays cleaner (although I am cleaning up after a lot more people so it takes more effort). Anyway. I like it. I'm hanging out here a lot due to feeling sick/like crap, so I'm having a chance to appreciate it. It's nice.

So...junior year...READY SET GO!

Actually, classes look fine, with the possible exception of physics, which is not inherently difficult, but the seven series is notorious for being badly set up and badly run. Also, I should probably sign up for an english class or something because I had no idea where to put the commas in that last sentence. I am a good writer, or at least I am capable of good writing, but apparently I need to put some effort in again. I was thinking of taking a "Writing for the Legal Professions" class next quarter to satisfy my upper div writing requirement anyway. It would be a lot of papers, but it would be nice for law school. We'll see.

So yes, classes are fine. LOVE MY EVE100 TEACHER! He is Russian, extremely sexy, and teaches THEORY OF EVOLUTIONARY BIOLOGY. It does not get any hotter than that, folks. I adore him. Also, he is way organized, so I'm sold. Definately gonna be my favorite class. His accent is fantastic.

Rae is doing well, and so is Shmow. Pam seems to be okay with her first few days of college, and stuff with Cade is great, as usual. All my favorite TV shows are back on the air again so that makes me super happy. (I missed The Office so much!) It's Friday so I will probably be irresponsible and party-ing-ish tonight, but for the most part I seem to be on the ball with everything so kudos for me. I need to grab some groceries and then go to my physics D/L but then I am done for the day and can take a nap or something like that. God knows I need it.

Oh! And the cruise! Wonderful and stuff, but mainly HYSTERICAL and I will have to write about it soon before I forget all the ridiculous shit that happened. I'll get to it eventually. I am just SO BUSY all the freaking time, it's nuts. But I like it. Life is good. Love you all!

So, I have been totally neglecting ElJay lately. And I miss it. So here I am, about to head back to Morgan Hill (early tomorrow AM) and then off to Seattle, where I will board a GIANT ASS MOTHER FUCKING HUGE SHIP which will take me to Alaska/Glacier Bay. I'm trying to pack everything I will need for the 10 day fiasco (I return to Davis sometime on the 20th) into ONE gym bag and ONE backpack. The purse gets deflated and packed in the backpack, as I need a backpack for a carry-on because it has to hold ALL my meds. If you haven't ever thought about the amount of crap I need with me at any given time, please take a moment now. And imagine. The EPIC amount of temperature sensitive CRAP I have to lug everywhere could blow the mind of a seasoned monk. Ah well. 
   
Don't get me wrong. I'm totally excited, and looking forward to fun family memory-making time. However, I am already flipping out about being away from Rae for 10 days (OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM GOING TO DIE) and on a much more minor scale, flipping out about being away from Cade. I see that kid every day. He does nice things for me for no good reason all the freaking time. How on earth am I going to fall asleep at night without a dog, a cat, and a boyfriend, all attempting to cuddle me to death? I don't think I can. I don't know. I'm just so happy, I suppose. Everything is easy and chill and I'm loving it and I'm scared it will go away or change if I don't stay here and keep an eye on it. Silly, I know. Anyway. I'll miss him, bunches. Also, the sex. Definately going to miss the sex.

So yeah, as you can probably gather, things are wonderful. The new apartment is wonderful and Pammie and I are happy to be together again. Cade is the "third roommate" and I love it/him/us. Animals are doing well and Davis is finally cooling off, which is nice. I do have some concerns about next quarter. I have Physics, which may be unreasonable, and I also have a very very very very difficult biochem class which apparently always kills people, kills them possibly deader than o-chem kills them. But that evolution and ecology class should be interesting and fun and easy, and viticulture will be different and awesome because Sarah and Pammie are taking it, too! So we'll see. Also, I don't think I'm going to work next quarter. I've decided I'd like to just do college for once, see how that feels. Maybe it will make my life less stressful, and that would be nice. Also, I have to get ready for the LSAT's, and that is still eating about 2 hours a day, most days of the week. Yes, I'm that hard-working and motivated and on the freaking ball. And yes, I'm proud of myself. I figure, you can't work this hard and not get into law school, right? Cross your fingers for me. =)

Anyway, my friend Joy did this ridiculously cool looking survey on MySpace so I jacked it and shall fill it out before getting back to packing.(I got to take a break while my shit was in the laundry, cuz I need clean clothes for the cruise!)

( Joy's Cool Survey Find, Jacked. )

I'm so sold on this boy.

=)

So, as incredibly unhappy as I am about the move (good god, moving is the single worst thing on this planet; or rather, change is) and as much as this weekend is going to suck ass, I'm kind of on top of the world right now. I'm pretty fucking awesome, you know? And once the move is over, there is the fact that I will be living with my sister again, who I have missed so much these past two years. And my mind is still totally blown by the whole Cade-phenomena, at the moment I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up and found out my life was just a giant drug trip. I feel like things shoudn't be this easy. And I am just so not used to being this happy. Which is sad. Was this what everyone else talked about? I was on such a different page. But I get it now. It's really great.

I had a dream last night that I had signed up for two classes this summer quarter - physics and more calculus - and that I had chosen to ignore the whole thing and not go to class at all, all quarter, and that I now had a week to learn EVERYTHING and do the projects and prepare for the finals. I was flipping the fuck out. My dad doing a drug deal in the driveway should have been a tip off that it was a dream and not reality but I was totally freaking out and not paying attention. When I woke up and realized that that life was not MY life, I wanted to cry, I was SO RELIEVED. I don't know what's up with all my wonky dreams lately (Obama dying? WTF?) but this has to stop, it's insane. I'm going to have a heart attack.

You know, say what you will about the Pussycat Dolls.

But you have to fucking hand it to them.

They are really, obnoxiously hott.

Lunch Breakage. I woke up this morning with the most intense back pain, it was awful. I think it's from shoveling wet concrete. I think that shoveling wet concrete may be THE DUMBEST THING TO DO, EVER. Anyway, I'm in all kinds of pain, but since it's my back I really can't rest it. You use your back no matter what position you're in. Fuck.

Breakin' dishes is a freakin' WEIRD song. But catchy.

I am in such a pickle.

=)

It's okay. I kind of like pickles. With sammiches, at least.

Anyway, I need to head back to MoHizzle now, and I'm still sort of spinning, but I think I should just enjoy it. I should ignore the sense of impending doom and go with the flow. (I'm putting this here so I have a record of the fact that I was cognizant of looming disaster, but chose to ignore it.)

So therefore I am not responsible for any goofy answers.

I'm still adjusting to being stupid. I thought I finished up with this process, but apparently I have a few more pegs left to go in terms of knock-downage. It makes my heart ache a little, and my head fits through a doorway so easily it's depressing. But whatever. I comfort myself that I am still smarter than some people, even if that is only because those people are starving children in Africa who have minimal brain function due to severe end-stage malnutrition complications.

I'm SO EXCITED for my TV shows to come back. Heroes, The Office, House M.D....so soon! Like a month! CAN'T WAIT! I don't know why those things make me so happy, but they do, so I'm gonna run with them. Not that I'm not happy now. I'm actually disgustingly happy right now. I keep forgetting things and I space out a lot, probably with a goofy smile on my face. Ah, the sillyness. But I suppose I've earned it.

Anyway, work sucks, but then I'm gonna see Elise, and then I'm gonna see Cade, so I'm kind of set for the day. Awesome.